Idea Dumping Ground
by Exodite
Summary: This is where my horrible ideas go. I'll either do something with them later, or the good community will use them. Or both, I guess...
1. TS SSSSSSSSS

[For your edification, I present to you something nobody asked for. Ever.]

It is now night, and I have no idea where I am.

Well, that's a lie. I know that I am by a desert, and that desert has monsters I have no means of fighting right now. Well, that's a lie too. But they'd bury me under weight of numbers. I am also very hungry. I see nothing save water, sand, cactus, and monsters. Wait, is that a-

TS-SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Run run run run run!

Jump! Jump!

Boat!

Safe! Ye-he-he-he-he-yes!

*spider jockey*

Drive! Drive! Drive!

Light dead ahead, spider jockey in swift pursuit.

Jump ship!

*arrow whizzes by*

That was close.

Around the lava!

It just crossed. Punch it!

*punches Spider Jockey into lava*

Victory is mi-

*checks hunger; two drumsticks. Oh, and down to three hearts.*

Fuck.

WELCOME TO HARDCORE

I return to my boat, getting away from the land. Certainly, the land is certain death, while the ocean means life! I must survive until daybreak, and maybe, just maybe, there is a place I may stay.

[Played Hardcore, got an island with a tree that didn't yield a sapling, followed by me hugging a desert biome when I did find dry land.]


	2. MettatonTemmie best ship

[Self-inserts done right are hilarious. So I decided to actually make one. Then make it entirely in present tense, as though it is being told to someone as it happens.]

Okay, we have a white Dodge Ram driving along a road, carrying a buncha college students and a professor doing a film class, who have decided to make a documentary. Their topic is on Mount Ebott, a mountain with a history of disappearances. They are working under... codenames! Look, there they are now. Enjoy their terrible dialogue!

"Okay, you four. This is a very bad idea."

"Relax, teach! We remember the safety briefing you had me write."

"Very funny, Exodite (the unbelievably sexy)."

It was then that something completely out of context, in particular, a nasty twister happens, causing the driver to swerve the car off-road and through some rocky terrain... just in time to see a small child in some sort of clearing near what appears to be a bottomless pit to the left.

"What the..."

Then a boulder makes to block their path, and he is forced to hang a left.

He sees the child be shaken into the pit, and the wheel seemingly freezes.

The backseat passengers are hugging each other in a panic by now, and the truck follows the child into the pit.

"This is gonna suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!"

"McHale, I blame you!"

"I love you guys!"

"It was I who ate all the bacon!"

"You what?"

*CRASH*

A few seconds pass.

A few more seconds pass.

"So, this is the afterlife, huh? Looks like a cave to me."

"Wait a minute, afterlife? Underground cave? What if this isn't heaven? What if it's... Oh, it couldn't be. Could it?"

"Oh, hey guys!"

"IT IS! Oh, it is..."

"Guys, this isn't hell. Let's get out of the truck and start filming. This has to be infinitely more interesting than the documentary we were originally going to shoot."

dave speaks up.

"Elroy, that is amazing. Let's get to work."

They all get out and break out the remarkably undamaged camera gear.

"Let's get this show on the road."

Elroy, the cameraman, powers that puppy up.

"Okay, we're rolling."

Exodite begins with

"Testing, one, two, three."

Elroy gives the "okay" and they begin their march.

Prof. Gerald waves over to the fallen child. The crew moves the camera over.

Gerald helps them to their feet, and they begin walking towards the doorway.

"Hello, kid. What's your name?"

The child is silent.

"Fine. Be that way."

A yellow flower starts talking.

"Howdy! I'm Flowey! Flowey the Flower!"

Immediately, Exodite (the Godlike) and Dave get on their knees and scream in anguish.

"No! It really is!"

Flowey is visibly this.

"What are you two doing?"

"This is hell! Why else would everything be unnecessarily saccharine?"

"You IDIOTS. You think you know hell? I'm trapped in this shell of a flower and I cannot feel a thing."

"Oh. Hooray, you're tragic! You're coming with us!"

"What?"

Flowey is vigorously pulled out of the ground and stuffed into an empty milk carton, with some soil thrown in for good measure.

"This is very tight."

Suddenly, a noise can be heard approaching. The steps give about ten seconds to point the camera at it.

"Oh."

It is a giant bipedal... goat-thing. Okay, show of hands. Take a wild guess who it is.

"Hello. I am TORIEL. I take care of the RUINS. Come along."

"Um... Toriel, right? Can you point us the way OUT of this place? I mean, it's nice and all, but we have a documentary to make."

"It is not safe for you out there."

"Lady, we just fell down a very large hole in a nigh indestructible (trust me, we tried) truck. At this point, we're just going to make a documentary, and we're reasonably well-equipped for hostile environments."

Exodite makes back to the truck and starts rummaging through the backseat. Dave starts attempting to interview Toriel.

The interview goes something like this:

Dave: I'm speaking to one Toriel. Hello, Toriel, I'm Dave.

Toriel: Hello Dave. I am TORIEL. Ask away.

Dave: What is this place, to begin with?

Toriel: These are the RUINS. They are the site of the old monster capitol.

Dave: Monsters? Okay, assume you are talking to a complete idiot. What are monsters?

Toriel: Monsters are people who are largely magic. We are somewhat less corporeal than humans, due to our nature.

Dave: Fascinating.

Toriel: There was a war between humans and monsters.

Dave: This is new. Seems like the kind of thing that would be covered in history books.

Toriel: Oh. Long story short, humans banished monsters to the Underground, and now we have this BARRIER between us and the rest of the world.

Dave: Barrier, huh? Enlighten me, what does it do?

Toriel: It prevents anyone from leaving. You're never getting back to the surface.

Dave: That doesn't look good for our (the documentary crew's) prospects for the future. We'll be sure to figure something out.

Toriel: It would be safer to stay with me.

Dave: We're going to die horribly anyway when the safety board tears us apart for our shenanigans. Thank you for your time.

Prof. Gerald comes back holding several sheathed machetes.

Toriel is taken aback, before commenting that

"Those look unsafe."

Dave pauses but for a second before noting

"What? We've gone through safety training. We know how to operate them.

The weird kid comes along with Toriel just like that. She doesn't even have to promise them candy or anything.

Okay, to recap, they fall down a hole, and there's this goatmom running around who has a massive lady-boner for safety. Seriously, how much stranger could this get?

"You... film crew can set up in the basement."

Prof. Gerald, ever the pragmatist, tells Exodite to get the tents.

So the camera crew breaks out the camping gear and Exodite breaks out his favorite - sea rations, tasting reassuringly like nothing anyone would recognize.

Finally, they get to Toriel's basement, after a few painstakingly filmed puzzles that make absolutely no sense. Seriously, why were these needed?

Also, apparently, spiders are holding a bake sale. The weird kid gets out what looks like gold, and pays the spiders for what looks like a donut.

To begin with, where is that kid getting gold?

Oh, wait, flashback.

 _Frisk attempts to console the little Whimsum, but it runs away, leaving some gold on the ground. Frisk shrugs before picking it up and continuing on._

As Dave and Elroy settle down for a friendly game of *that game that must not be named or else I'll get a three card penalty*, the weird kid comes down.

"Oh, hello little..."

Then Toriel snatches them up, citing that

"I think you should play upstairs instead."

In the confusion, the empty milk carton is overturned, and Your Best Friend makes his escape.

A few minutes later, Toriel walks past them with a determined look on her face.

Prof. Gerald speaks up.

"What's going on?"

Toriel spares him a glance, before telling him that she is going to destroy a portal. This sounds film-worthy, so they break out the camera.

The weird kid races past them as they start filming.

Toriel essentially tells the kid to go upstairs, but they refuse. Finally, she tells them to prove their strength.

FIGHTING START!

While Toriel starts indulging in some latent pyromania, the film crew gets to watch the little kid just... do nothing but dodge.

After a few minutes of this, Toriel just... stops. Apparently, she can't do this anymore (or something).

So she boots the kid out, and the film crew just follows.

WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE IT'S 30 BELOW?

WHY IS THERE SNOW UNDERGROUND?

THIS IS HELL, ISN'T IT.

Wait, why isn't the kid reacting at all to this? Hang on, the kid's looking at a pile of snow.

Is that... a camera? Someone's muscling in on their scoop?

[Horus say: "Heresy A-OK!"]

Welp, probably isn't important at this point, because they're being followed. But by what?

Exodite waves Elroy over and...

"We've got company. Appears to be ignoring us. Let's get into the trees around that fence-like thing ahead and see what happens."

Sure enough, the thing ignores them and focuses on the weird kid.

"Human..."

Okay, kid's freaked out. What do they do? Nothing. Figures. Oh, look, they're turning around!

What is that sound? Is that... a whoopee cushion?

Okay, this isn't funny.

Well, maybe a little.

Why were they having so much NaCl over this?

Oh, goody, a skeleton comedian.

Oy gevalt.

[Tune in if I actually put effort into this for a Papyrus/Undyne ship.]


	3. Who wants Heresy?

997 M41

Note from [REDACTED], Inquisitor of the Ordo Xenos:

I found this manuscript in the Imperial Commander Josh Anderson's (currently being tried for heresy by Inquisitors [REDACTED], [REDACTED], and [REDACTED] the Ordo Xenos as per Taboo 1) personal effects. It presumably formed the basis of his, and his planet, Laniter's, partnership with the Eldar of the Exodite World Lazur.

Without further ado, the manuscript, with notations added by me, indicated in [brackets].

992 M41

 _The Eldar. There is much that can be said about them, slightly less that is true. Ever since their collapse due to their arrogance, they have been a minor thorn in the Imperium's side. However, despite being xenos, they appear very similar to the Holy Human Form that the Emperor (praise be to Him) has given us. Hence, I am compiling a manuscript on why they may be possibly abhumans, instead of xenos. My Magos has given me the go-ahead to use his team to retrieve one of the xenos. Fortuitously, there is an Eldar Exodite colony slated to be colonized by the Imperium, for the Emperor (our undying Lord)._

 _Thought for the day: He who keeps quiet consents._

992.25 M41

[A bunch of Eldar Corsairs tried to hit Laniter. It didn't end well for them.]

The _captured Eldar have been dissected by the Magos Biologis. Notably, when they died, the presumably ceremonial rock they had on a necklace glowed. When interviewed, the survivor informed the team of the rock's true purpose: It is known as a soulstone, and it exists to keep She-Who-Thirsts, presumably [REDACTED], from claiming their souls upon death. Presumably, all the Eldar are psykers, and there are several applications that they could be put towards. According to the Eldar, their psychic emanations are approximately a thousand times that of a human, kept in check by their paths, for those on the Craftworlds, or the simple life, as these Eldar have._ ["Paths" should be capitalized, but his knowledge of the Eldar is laughably small. If he knew the truth, only the Emperor (who rules all) knows what would have happened.] _The Golden Throne, upon which the Emperor (Master of Humanity) has resided for the past ten thousand years, requires the sacrifice of psykers. While I am loathe to allow xeno feet upon Holy Terra (cradle of Mankind), better an alien die than a human._ [The merits of this idea will take centuries to debate. I, for one, am disgusted by it, but my fellow Inquisitors, most of which are Radical, am interested. Therefore, thanks a lot, Governor, you made me do more work for less aliens.]

 _Thought for the day: The martyr's grave is the keystone of the Imperium._

992.3 M41

 _The Exodites have sent a ship, though I have no idea where they got it from. The "soulstones" have been gathered in a pile. These Eldar, if my Magos's theory is correct, will not dare to harm a human as long as these soulstones are in my possession. While I am duty-bound to kill these xenos where they stand, or sit, as the case may be, perhaps they can help me with a few problems._ [According to the records, a cult of the Ruinous Powers cropped up. It was put down with extreme prejudice, but collateral damage was high.] _Perhaps they can use that fancy engineering of theirs to give people temporary housing._ [The Eldar agreed. Considering the Arbites Precinct house was outright destroyed, Governor Anderson's xeno-consorting heresy was ignored.] _Emperor forgive me; I am consorting with xenos._

 _Thought for the day: No sacrifice is too great, no betrayal too small._

993.5 M41

 _It's the day after tithes, and yet again, we're short on materials._ [Laniter is an Industrial World] _The Eldar, in exchange for the safe return of the soulstones of their Craftworld bretheren, have offered their services with rebuilding._ [The Craftworld Eldar of Biel-Tan sent an attack party through the Webway to an unknown location, but a Warpstorm transported them directly into Governor Anderson's mansion. After a firefight lasting six hours, ended with a requesting for a resupplying Rogue Trader to aim her ship's weaponry directly at the capitol, was a ceasefire settlement reached, and the Biel-Tan Eldar were allowed to withdraw. The Rogue Trader was Governor Anderson's cousin, incidentally, but has been cleared of all charges of heresy regarding this incident. For some reason, this incident didn't make it into this manuscript.] _The Administratum Adept raised an uproar and threatened to call down the rest of the Imperium on my head, but I simply reminded him that we need that done so we can point as many people as possible into production. The Exodites should be arriving soon._

 _Thought for the day: Serve the Emperor today, for tomorrow you may die!_

993.6 M41

 _I have enough data on the Eldar to complete a set of facts._

 _The Eldar are humanoid, as are several xenos species, indicating convergent evolution, with upright walking equating to intelligence._

 _Upon genetic analysis, it was found that an Eldar and a human could possibly interbreed. According to my retinue, that would be as hilarious as one of our assassins and one of their leaders falling in love. That'll never happen._ [I hate you.]

 _Psyker traits tend to breed true, as do Navigator traits. Therefore, there is precedent for them to be abhumans._

 _The Eldar are all psykers._

 _With these facts, the Eldar are presumably a subspecies of human, and could therefore be awarded Imperial Citizenship. Their technology, which was demonstrated to me first-hand_ [The "blew up my mansion" bit] _was human in nature all along, and therefore not heretech. My Magos is drooling oil as I dictate to my servitor-scribe. No-Not on the carpet! Wait, how do I do undo that? Oh, there it is. Thank you!_

 _Thought for the day: Humanity is awesome._

997 M41

 _Today is the day. Today I send in my completed thesis and extend the olive branch to the Eldar. Their dignitaries are already waiting for me._

[He was dictating on the way down. The rest in a transcript I compiled from the logs and personal memory.]

 _Anderson - A  
Eldar Dignitary 1 - B_  
 _Eldar Dignitary 2 - C_

B: Welcome to Lazur, Governor.  
A: It's good to meet you again.  
C: We've perused your work, and have found it interesting.  
B: The part where you said Eldar are a subspecies of mon'keigh amused me.  
A: Well, it does tha... what's that?

 _Inquisitor [REDACTED] - I_

I: Busted.

[And that's when I arrested him. I was there earlier investigating something completely different, which I have since wrapped up, and now he's mine. Even if he gets off, I'm keeping him. I am not merely good-looking.]

996.95 M41

 _And I now have the Inquisition breathing down my back. This is horrible. At least the one they sent is good-looking._ [I am beauty incarnate. How dare you.] _She's a real firebrand though, and has a hair-trigger temper. I honestly have no idea why she's holding off on everything, but... Oh goody, here come her friends._

[And that's when the trial began. While it at first seemed open and shut, he was presenting the "abhuman theory", and was attempting to treat them as such, and the Radicals are attempting to find him "not guilty" so they can snap him up for something. From what I've heard, he has a successor lined up that has no idea of what he was doing, that he clearly had put aside exactly for this purpose.]

 _Thought for the day: Heresy is everywhere.  
_

997 M41

Afterward:

The trial was completed, and Governor Anderson was found not guilty of heresy. The Eldar of Lazur have sent a delegation, and cease-fires with the Eldar are expected to run rampant. My contact in the Adeptus Ministorum is currently studying their religious dogma, so it may be turned towards the Emperor. However, this is still quasi-heretical, so we're all on tip-toes here. Meanwhile, Governor Anderson is getting sent to Holy Terra to argue his case before the High Lords.

Thought for the day: There is great joy to be found in serving the Emperor.

(/I was banking on the fact that the Inquisition is, at the end of the day, a competent and intelligent group that legitimately wants the best for humanity, and having a cease-fire with one of the thorns in the Imperium's side allows it to focus on the Bugs, the Fair Folk, the Reavers, the Ruinous Powers, and da Orkz, not to mention the minor xenos species running around, such as the Tau.)

(/ Actual note here: I read up on The Coven of Isha, and some shenanigans like that would be the next logical step. That's right, I'm beginning the slow road to de-grimdarking 40k via straight-up Mary Sues, reality breaking (oh, wait, that already happens with frightening regularity in 40k), and other contrivances should this... heretical text continue. Yes, it'll still suck to live there, but now the "those to be exterminated" are going to have the "exterminated" bit put off indefinitely until such a time as no more threats to either power remain, and at that point, it would be a slaughter in favor of the Imperium were the Eldar to betray them. In short, it's the "slow road to victory" thing. Also, if Failbaddon crops up, his arms will be lost.)


	4. Yandere Simulator logic is fun, huh?

[After a fun run of Yandere Simulator, you know that Evil girl, I think her name is Yui Rio? I decided to make a show of killing as many people in front of her as possible. Upon review by my buddies who were also trying stupid shenanigans, we got together and decided "Okay, what would she perceive it as?" Considering that one can make Senpai female, well... It writes itself.]

I legitimately have no idea how to handle this.

What's "this"?

There's this girl. She's the most wonderful girl in the school. When she says "I want to show you something cool," she does not disappoint.

Just the other day, she led me to a room full of my classmates and killed all of them. The way she moved was breathtaking.

The day before that, she led me to the roof, and slaughtered everyone who was there. I could not tear my eyes away from her.

Today, she drowned a teacher in the toilet and looked to me for approval... Perhaps something more.

I now await her telling me of something cool, because it means I may see her in action yet again.

I think she loves me in a way. Why else would she do things that I like to see her doing, and make me her audience?

Yet...

While she puts on the killings as a show for benefit me, she will never be mine, instead she wants some loner who she met recently.

Maybe I can ask Info-chan to help me win her heart.

[Did I just make Yui Rio tragic? I certainly did. That would actually make a nice soap opera. Yui Rio wants Yan-Chan, who wants Senpai, who wants to get through school, go to university, and otherwise live a happy, productive life, and why are the people he's known most of his life dying?.]


End file.
